It was
the summer of 2008 and I found myself atop a mountain in the Berkshires of
Connecticut. I was about three or four
weeks into my stay at an inpatient treatment center for drug and alcohol abuse
in what would turn out to be a completely life changing and transformative
experience. The past seven years had been a
descent into an all but literal hell.
Mentally, physically and emotionally I was spent; I had checked out some time ago and had no desire to participate in life anymore. My counselor at the time had actually
considered the diagnosis of Anhedonia (the inability to feel happiness or
pleasure) as well as a slew of acronyms which I had become accustomed to. Apathy barely begins to even describe my
indifference to life at the time.
However this summer day was quite different than the others. I was sitting atop a sunny mountain with a
view of Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York when a profound feeling of
humility, perspective, insignificance, and personal powerlessness came over
me. I realized how small I was up
here. Not just how small I was, but how
small the group of ten of us were in comparison to the picturesque landscape
around us. I realized my reliance upon
the guides taking us on the hike was a necessary one if I was to make the trek
down safely. Thoughts seemed to
disappear, and for the first time in a very long time I smiled genuinely. I had not had such an experience without the
aid of psychedelics.
 |
| Monument Mountain, Berkshires |
Many
would consider such an occurrence to be a religious experience or spiritual
experience. I choose to use these terms,
especially the latter loosely, I will explain why in a minute. A quick Google search of the word "spirituality" or "spiritual experience" will yield a seemingly endless result of
information leaving one with little more comprehension about either of the terms
than when they started. It seems there are
as many definitions for the word "spirituality" as there are people. This makes it difficult to begin a
conversation about the topic when we cannot describe what it is we are talking
about. The word is loaded with connotations and preconceived notions from the
start such as mystical, enlightened, or holy. I look at the concept of
spirituality or more specifically a spiritual experience as a positive
cognitive shift for an individual, nothing more. A large change in perception previously
unknown to the individual. It was after
this experience that I began to participate in morning meditations and
afternoon yoga. I could write and entire
novel about my experiences with these two practices alone.
Those
who know me may find it interesting or even down right humorous to imagine
me doing yoga and meditating daily.
I have been an agnostic and a skeptic all my life. I grew up with a passion and interest in
the sciences like math, engineering, computer science, physics,
biology, etc. Trust me when I say that
this is a piece relaying my experience, not a crusade or condemnation of religion. My first exposure to the 12 steps of AA was through
the few Friday night meetings held at the treatment center. I saw and heard a lot about god and prayer
and almost immediately dismissed it.
Past experience had told me there would not be much more for me here and
my myopic view was justified. I also
heard “this is a spiritual program not a religious one.” Again, I failed to make
a distinction between the two and chalked it up to playful wording to entice
those who’s faith might be shaky. I now
know I was completely wrong. Religion
and spirituality are two entirely different things. At its core being a spiritual person (again I
use the word with much apprehension, but linguistics limits me here) is
entirely different from being a religious person. After much discussion with the instructor who
ran the yoga, meditation and Qi Gong classes and my counselor it was put to me
point blank. “Even an atheist can stay
sober and get this program." I can’t say
I was necessarily delighted to hear this but it did make me curious how god and
prayer and the undeniable connection of the 12 steps to religion could be
“gotten” by someone who did not believe in anything mystical or religious.
Again
my own biases got the better of me.
Fortunately, however, my journey to find something that would work for me
began. It has been nearly six and a half
years since I was up on that mountain and I can say for myself that it is
possible to bridge the gap between secular views and the 12 steps. Now, normally outside of the halls of AA, I
would debate religion, pseudoscience, paranormal phenomena and the like all day
long. My skepticism has not
changed. However within the halls of AA
I resign from the debate society. I must
be clear here. If you are in recovery
and involved in a 12 step program and you believe in god in the traditional
sense, that is fine by me. This is the case where I step back from debate;
peoples lives and well-being are at stake.
If you believe praying to Christ, Allah, a tree, or the Dali Lama helps
you stay sober, good for you. I do not mean this to be patronizing at all, I sincerely mean "good for you." I heard at a meeting today “I believe in a
higher power, I’m not sure how it works, but it works.” If you find yourself in this boat, more power
to you. If you are like me and you
can not fill the cognitive gap that exists for you to pray and believe in
something “bigger” than you, that’s fine to.
The whole notion of submitting yourself to a “power bigger than you” just does not seem to fit the bill.
I had always found the idea of praying to deep ocean currents,
centrifugal forces, gravity, electro-magnetism, or the stars not make much
rational sense.
After
spending a good deal of time practicing meditation and participating in yoga
classes, the underlying principal of humility and perspective started to click
with me. That maybe to “Accept the
things I could not change” was not so much a cry to a supernatural being for
help, but a reminder of my infinite powerlessness in life in general. My complete and utter insignificance from a
cosmic perspective was quite a humbling feeling. I suppose “don’t be a dick, be helpful and do
your best” could also suffice, but somehow I don’t think that will resonate
with the majority. I then looked back to
a book I had read and not paid much attention to called The Four Agreements, by
Miguel Ruiz. The four agreements are as
follows:
1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don’t take anything personally
3. Don’t make assumptions
4. Always do your best.
Easy concepts to grasp, not so easy
to put into practice, perhaps more importantly, the concepts in and of themselves
made no claims about the nature of reality and could align with secular
views. Along with a regular practice of
meditation I could absolutely use these as guides for personal progress. Leaving all the mysticism of the Toltec
peoples on the pages of the book, the underlying principals resonated with
me. It then occurred to me that the 12
steps were like the shoe that kind of fit but maybe was a bit too snug. You could wear and use the shoe, but it was never quite right. Again this is not a
condemnation of the AA program or the 12 steps, but rather a personal
adaptation of the underlying principles.
Humility, acceptance, personal responsibility, tolerance, compassion;
these were things that did not require me to surrender rational thought to
adapt. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous not believing in God, skeptical of "spirituality", and uncertain if I belonged. However, I have found my place and my peace within these rooms.
Written by Andrew K of East Greenwich, Rhode Island
Andrew K is celebrating six and a half years sober this January.
